Of the Reproductive System...

Seen and heard in science class today:

1. After a lengthy discussion about cells, including reproductive cells:

"Ms. Kinney, can you get pregnant from swallowing sperm cells?"

2. After asking the kids to name some organs of the human body:

Child 1: "Liver"
Child 2: "Kidney"
Child 3: "Heart"
Child 4: "Scrotum"

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

For the record, scrotum is not an organ.  If he really wanted to be obnoxious AND get the question right he would have said testicles.

Also.  Started my first day as assistant academic team coach.  I swear. These are my people.  I was made for this gig.  Leader of the nerd herd.  Love. It.

Peace, Love and Reproduction,
Claire

P.S. I am absolutely incapable of teaching about the reproductive system without singing the song "Reproduction" from Grease 2.  Who has even seen Grease 2? Answer: No one except me and the girl that made me watch it in college.  Here's to you Melissa Coffey, for making me sit through 2 hours of potentially the worst movie ever made.

Koumpounophobia

It's high time you learned a little more about me and I am prepared to make a very serious confession to all of blog world (at least the approximately 9 people who actually read my blog).  

I have button phobia.  As in I think buttons are the most wretched invention since the history of time. Koumpounophobia is the fear of buttons (usually just the plastic ones) on clothing...and I am self diagnosed.  

Once in Kindergarten, I wouldn't sit next to my best friend on the bus because she had a baseball shirt on.  I am not even exaggerating.  I am hesitant to touch people wearing buttons and I only wear them when absolutely necessary and I almost always feel really uncomfortable when I do and change as soon as possible.  

One of the worst days of my elementary school career involved a blue plaid sweat suit with decorative buttons (really awful because the buttons were non-functional).  It was while I was wearing this abomination, as forced by my mother, that I had my card flipped to orange for the first time in my entire life and had to sit out part of recess.  AWFUL.  I blame the buttons.  (I really do...I can't be expected to act myself when I wear them)

I am not alone in my fear, also suffering is my main man, Steve Jobs.  Now, Stevie has recently stepped down as CEO of apple...but I am serious when I tell you that old boy owes a lot to his phobia.  Obviously, I have done extensive research on the topic and the reason Apple has come out with so many touch screen products is because Steve hates buttons.  So much that the Apple stores in Tokyo don't have buttons on the elevator...making you stop at every floor.  Also the reason he ALWAYS wears turtle necks.  That's my boy.  Anyone else every noticed the AWESOME uniforms Apple employees wear? The polo shirts with out the collar and buttons? Like a polo t-shirt.  It's sweet.  I wish IncrediPet would pick up on this idea. 

I almost had to leave the theater when previews for Coraline came on.  I wish I was kidding.  My roommate in college thought it was hilarious to leave strings of buttons around our room.  I could barely touch them to get them out.  

This is the sad, but true account of my deep and intense hatred for buttons.  I don't even like typing the word.  It's also made SO MUCH worse by people who over pronounces the double ts in the word.  (saying BuT-Tens).  

Well. I am counting on a heaven that does not include buttons and only includes angel robes that zip up the back...or better yet...you can slip over your head.  

Peace, Love and Zippers, 

Claire 

Some Things to Consider: 

1. Has God ever slapped you in the face?  If you're thinking about making a negative definitive decision about someone, just go ahead and reverse it...because they're probably going to come back in your life in a way you never expected.  Touche God. Touche.  I hope you're enjoying a good laugh.  

2. Today a child puked in my classroom.  It almost caused me to break my 11 year puke-free streak.  Thankfully I had to hold it together for my students, or my record would have been broken.  It was a serious close call.  Close enough that I broke my anti-anti-bacterial pact.  My room was clorox wiped from top to bottom.  Good bye germs.  Quit being butt heads.  

Thoughts on Today

My intentions for today:

1. Work
2. Dog Park with the Coop
3. Redecorate bedroom
4. Laundry
5. Start Couch to 5k
6. Eat nutritious dinner
7. Watch Bachelor Pad

Granted...this was a little lofty...but what resulted is just sad.

What actually happened

1. Work
2. No Dog Park, Sad Dog
3. Lay on Couch
4. Play on Facebook
5. StumbleUpon
6. Eat ice cream, mac and cheese and triscuits for dinner
7. Watch Bachelor Pad

I guess I got the first and the last right? Ah well...some days are just like that.  Tomorrow we set smaller, more reasonable goals.

ON a different note a student came up to me today, arms spread and said the following:

"I'm a hugger!!!" Then she hugged me...for the third time...in three days.  If you have read my blog before you know how I feel about hugs.  If not...read about it here.

It could be a long year on that front.  Maybe I'll start throwing out the hand for a hand shake or high five. I feel like she'd be a classic diverter.  

Other than my serial hugger... my kids seem like a charming bunch...but then again, they all do for the first week of school...I'm waiting for the flood gates to break.  And when it does...I'll be armed with silent lunch and my sassy tude.

Ah Well.

Peace, Love and Unnecessary Touching,

Claire

Nightmares

I have always had vivid dreams.  I dream in color and I remember them, and a lot of times my dreams get really insane.  So, for that reason, I guess I'll tear myself away from watching Bachelor Pad and the woes of Jake and Vienna to tell you about some of my recent nightmares.

Dream 1: After a long day of work moonlighting as a pet care expert at IncrediPet,  I come home to my apartment tired.  However, when I walk up to my door, it is open. This obviously scares me, so I go hide on the steps up to my apartment where I call my mom.  Because obviously my hundred some pound 5'4" mother is going to help me with an intruder.  Police?? Who needs them? So my mom comes rushing over purse swinging and is like, "Claire, get up, you're being ridiculous, just go in your apartment.  Come here." So my mom goes to my door and yells, "Hey. Is anyone in here?" At this point, we see movement coming from my utility closet and out of the closet comes none other than Morgan Freeman because Morgan Freeman clearly needs to steal my furnace.  Morgan Freeman slowly walks over to the door where my mom and I are standing, picks up a hammer and hammers my mom in the head. He turns to me and swings...and I wake up.  For the record, I have not watched Driving Ms. Daisy recently.  Also. Is Morgan Freeman ever a bad guy?? I woke up from this dream legitimately terrified. I was even trying to come up with someone who would move in with me because there was no way I was living alone anymore.  Owen did not help matters when he attacked my hand as I went to turn off my alarm.  I won't lie...I screamed.

Dream 2: The first of many dreams that I have ruined my career.  Last year before the beginning of school, I had a dream that I was 5 hours late to the first day of school.  This year I dreamed that I showed up, but had nothing prepared.  The kids sat and stared at me.  Also, the kids were only a year younger than me and all they did was stare at me and tell me that I had no authority in teaching them.  I have actually had multiple, multiple dreams along these same lines, and every time I, for whatever reason, get very stressed about my first day of school power point.  I finally did my power point the other day, so I would quit dreaming it wasn't finished, but it didn't help...it just shifted my dreams to ones like...

Dream 3: I show up for the first day of school and it goes fine...but on the second day of school I call in sick because I have a meeting for my haunted house job.  However, around noon, I remember that I've left no sub plans.  I rush to school and all three of the other teachers are walking down the hallway toward me, mean girls style.  I pass them and say, "Oh my gosh guys! I totally forgot my sub plans! I'm a terrible teacher!" They look at me and say, "Yes! You are." and then walk away in step with each other. Then. I'm supposed to get new desks at the end of the first week of school.  The teacher next door took my desks, which coincidentally are neon colors and look like they are made for barbies.  I asked her if I could have her old ones...she told me she needed them all and too bad.  The third day of school my kids sat on the floor.

I am infamous for my dream life.  As a child, I sleep walked like it was my job.  Once I came up to my mom and told her I was ready for school about 10 minutes after I went to sleep.  I also couldn't watch Disney movies because I had consistent nightmares about the villains.  The eels from Little Mermaid definitely swam around my bed at some point and the Huns from Mulan definitely invaded my house and hid in the crawl space.  I would have thought that I would grow out of these ridiculous dreams...but I guess not.

Peace, Love and Rem,
Claire

Some Things to Consider:

I think Owen is autistic.  He is overstimulated pretty much constantly and here is a pic of Owen doing what he does on a very VERY regular basis...staring at himself in the chandelier...in fact...he is doing it from a different vantage point as I type this.