Isaac Newton: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Is anyone else impressed that I have blogged 4 days in a row? I'm impressed with myself, but it's been easy because this week's been one for the books.

To start, you should know that I started my day with a dead car and a AAA "battery specialist" who says my battery is "the most corroded I've ever seen and I've seen a lot of batteries." Score. This totally makes up for the fact that I never got a superlative in high school.  

$111 and a ride to school from my mom I arrive at school, only 45 minutes late, my kids in the hands of a sub.

Anyway, at my school, we're required to do a literacy strategy every month to help our kids learn to read or something...I guess that's important.  Anyway, this month we were supposed to teach them to be more fluent readers.  Digging back to my elementary days, I decided a Reader's Theater (aka reading a story like it's a script) would be a good time.  So I find one called Newton's Apple. Perfect.  Isaac Newton, Reader's Theater. Done.

Here is a selection of the work:

Isaac: The Earth is attracted to the Sun. The Sun is attracted to the Earth. The flowers, the dirt, the seeds are all attracted to the Earth!

Catherine: I'm attracted to YOU Isaac!

Isaac: Of course, Catherine! Everything is attracted to Everything!! The stars are attracted to the Earth, the Cosmos are all held together by gravity!

This was the best decision I've ever made as a teacher.  I have never seen SO many kids SO embarrassed.  Poor Catherine just throwing herself at Isaac and he doesn't care.  They all wanted to die.  I wanted to die laughing.  Also. A few students decided to throw in a British accent for good measure.  I will tell you, you ain't heard nothing until you've heard a kid from Bourbon County do a British Accent.

Then we went on to discuss the idea of genius, since Isaac Newton was one.  I asked the following question.

Me: Who do you consider to be the greatest genius of all time?
Student: LARRY THE CABLE GUY!
Student #2: Yeah. That Get-r-done line gets me every time!

What is the world coming to? I was expecting some Darwin's, maybe a DaVinci, I thought they might say something like Oprah or President Obama.  FALSE. Larry the Cable Guy it is...

Peace, Love and Blue Collar Comedy,
Claire

Also, for those of you who were wondering, Owen pulled through the loss of his claws like a champ.  According to the vet he is loving his life in a drug induced stupor.  I get to pick him up tomorrow.  I'll be real, it was bizarre coming home to an apartment without him in it.

Of Tornadoes and Toilets

If you haven't been paying attention, you should know that there has been some horrific weather around these parts lately.  Tornados, Thunderstorms, Floods, the whole bit.

There have been like a million tornado warnings in the last few days, but the first one during the school day came today.  9:00 AM.  Score.  

Let me describe my severe weather location for you: 

Boys. Locker. Room. 

I want to forfeit all five of my senses every time I have to go in there...which I assure you is only during severe weather, or severe weather drills.  Also. Today, some of the boys told me that boys have been known to pee on the floor just for kicks.  GROSS.  Boys are so gross. Especially in middle school.  I don't think I have to say that I was less than thrilled to "assume the position" with 27 middle schoolers in a pee infested nast hole.  

It gets better.  About 15 minutes into this whole ordeal, one of my students informs me that he thinks he's going to be sick.  Awesome.  But, all is well because he has a trashcan, the kids also inform him that there is a bathroom, so I think I'm in the clear.  

FALSE.  Not three minutes later he comes over and tells me he's going to be sick.  No biggie. I tell him to just go in the bathroom and take care of his problem.  

No Dice Amigo.  

"Ms. Kinney. I can't go to the bathroom in there." 

"Why?"

"Um. There are shorts in the toilet." 

"Wha?" 

And there were. Shorts in the toilet.  

Alright. So I tell him to go use the garbage can.  He says he can't...that he's not going throw up, rather he needs to do something else.  Crap. Literally. 

So I did what every good teacher does. I sent him into the potentially tornado ridden hallway.  Don't worry. I told him if he suspected tornadic activity to just cling to the toilet since they're piped into the ground.  

Moral of the story: Better to brave a twister than crap your pants in front of your 25 of your fellow classmates.  

Peace, Love and Funnel Clouds, 

Claire 

Some Things to Consider: 

- Owen is getting declawed tomorrow and I'm starting to feel really guilty about it...of course as I type this, he's biting my hand.  Too bad I can't have him deteethed.  

- State testing starts in a week.  Next week is spirit week for testing.  You thought spirit week was just for homecoming and athletics? FALSE alarm.  I am already pumped for Tacky Tuesday.  Cha Ching. 

On the Royal Wedding

If you hadn't heard...Prince William is getting married.  To a "middle class" girl. AKA. A millionaire who isn't inbred.  AKA She isn't royal.  Now. Call me cynical..and I admittedly am...but this whole shenanigan just seems a little ridiculous.  We are supposed to drop everything we're doing, wake up at the BUTT CRACK OF DAWN (coverage for this bad boy starts at 4 am friday, FOUR AM!) to watch a balding, reltively unattractive man get married in a wedding that holds a price tag so large it could probably feed all of Africa for the rest of the century.  

I love watching the today show.  The headlines go something like this: The earthquake destroyed Japan, crazy nuclear disaster.  Libya is cray cray, what the crap is going on? Gas prices are so high you're probably going to need to take out a second mortgage. WHAT DESIGNER IS KATE MIDDLETON GOING TO WEAR AT HER WEDDING??? OMG!! I LOVE THE ROYAL WEDDING!!!!! 

Also. Really TLC? I have always counted on your for something to watch if nothing else is on.  Now if I want to watch you, my only option involves watching normally respectable people start drooling and awing over these two getting married.  WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE BRITISH MONARCHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 

Maybe this all stems back to the fact that my dad never called me his little princess and I have never had dreams of marrying a prince.  Let's be real...it all sounds pretty miserable.  Everyone freaking out all the time over what you're wearing...risking your life every time you walk out the door because some manic photographer is trying to get a picture of you in your sweat pants so he can retire to Jamaica. This stuff is a crazy biz.  

Ah well. Rant over. 

Peace, Love and the Common Man, 

Claire 

Haven't You Always Wanted an Airbrushed T-Shirt?

Well friends.

Can we talk about airbrushed t-shirts for a minute? First of all...why are that many bright colors necessary on one article of clothing? Some have accused me of wearing boring colors...and their accusation would probably be correct since the largest section of my color coded closet is the gray section, followed closely by the black section.  But. Really? You REALLY need to spray all those obnoxious colors on one shirt to say something even more ridiculous than the colors on the shirt.  I feel about airbrushed t-shirts the way I feel about Joan Rivers...they are tacky and unnecessary.

What spawned this rant you may wonder? The t-shirts of my darling students.  Now, I expect to see the normal ones.  Spring Break 2011- Gatlinburg (haha...you thought it was going to say like Panama City or Daytona...FALSE). Sarah and Rachel BFFL. Have a picture of a palm tree or a dolphin...whatever.  BUT. Today's airbrushed t-shirt takes the cake.  It reads, Billy+Amy.  That's it.  It's like they couldn't express their love for one another enough through their incessant PDA and the notes they leave each other all over their notebooks.  NO. They HAD to put it on a t-shirt and as if THAT wasn't enough...they HAD to airbrush it.  I mean...they paid money for these bad boys.  MONEY.  I was flabbergasted.

Peace, Love and What a way to make a living,
Claire

Some Things to Consider:
- Owen is officially becoming clawless on Thursday. Keep him in your prayers. I'm nervous.
- Update on Thorn Birds: 2/3 finished.  Priest has officially defiled his priest vows.  Things are getting interesting.

If you don't have an iPhone...well...you don't have an iPhone

Really my post is going to be about iPads...however, I just wanted to bring this BRILLIANT advertising slogan to everyone's attention.  Really, how much more creative can you get apple? Hope you didn't pay someone too much for that one...

Anyway. I just wanted to rehash a brief conversation I had with my dad earlier.

Premise: My dad and I go to a funeral visitation for my great uncle.  My dad is from a MASSIVE family, so there are about 8 million people there that I recognize, but cannot place as far as their relationship and whose son/daughter/granddaughter/grandson etc they are.  Once we got in the car to leave, the following conversation took place.

Me: Dad, you're going to have to explain who all these people belong to and how they're related.
Dad: I have an app for that.

And he did.  He whips out his handy dandy iPad and two seconds later I was cruising my family tree, finding out everything I ever wanted to know about my lineage.  Aren't dads great? I know mine is.

Peace, Love and Genealogy,
Claire

Some Things to Consider:

- Yesterday a student told me he drank kerosene when he was 5 and sometimes he still tastes it when he burps.  What the crap.

- I am currently so enthralled with a book right now that I'm having a hard time even writing this blog.  All I want to do is read about my Australian priest who's about to break his bonds of celibacy for a girl 18 years younger than him.  Darn you The Thorn Birds.  Such a great book.

Keeping up Appearances

In teaching 8th grade, an age group where you are totally obsessed with appearance and apparel, there is a lot of judgement that happens concerning my appearance every day.  It's fine...I don't mind, in some ways it's nice because someone really does appreciate it if I'm looking nice one day...but on the flip side...they also definitely notice and definitely comment if I'm looking a little rough.  Some stories to the liking:

1. Sometimes my fellow teachers and I like to peruse the facebooks of our students.  Unfortunately, at this point, they've pretty much figured this out and made their profiles really private.  However, one girl failed to make her mobile uploads private and I was cruising through her pics one afternoon when I discovered a picture of another one of my students, standing in the Gap, holding a skirt I had worn a few weeks before with the caption, "MISS KINNEY'S SKIRT." Now.  I don't know what this means. Do they like my skirt? Do they hate my skirt? Either way, it became very apparent to me that they notice my clothing.

2.  As I'm about to get run into by a student flying down the hallway...
Student: "HEY! Don't run into Ms. Kinney!! Her hair actually looks nice today!"

3. Recently I cut my hair a lot shorter...little did I know the stir this was going to cause in the 8th grade...most were nice and complimentary...however one student made the following comment:
"Ms. Kinney! What the heck did you do to your hair!?" - Wow..Thanks.

Although, I probably deserve this, since my mom tells me that every day when I came home from Kindergarten, instead of telling my mom about all the great things I did that day, I told her what my teacher was wearing and how her hair looked.  What goes around comes around...

Peace, Love and a Yellow Gap Skirt,
Claire

Some Things to Consider:
- There is a race track in town called The Red Mile...in an epic move, someone painted over the bottom line of the E, so it now reads THE RED MILF.  Genius.

- My tax return is now in the works...and congratulations to me...I now have enough money to get my cat declawed. Cha Ching...no more scratching the underside of my coffee table, as Owen so weirdly likes to do.

- I briefly considered changing the name of my blog to Confessions of a crazy cat lady.  Thoughts?

Melissa: A Tribute

Well blog world. If you'll notice, I've made a few changes around these parts. It was time. Besides, if I want to be blog famous...I'm going to have to step up my game. Hope you enjoy.

I decided it was time to post again, but I am lacking for new material...my students are being hyper dramatic, so they're not funny right now, just obnoxious...so I don't want to bore you with their stories. I also haven't really experienced any regular crazy either...SO upon her request, I have decided to pay tribute to one of my best friends Melissa. Here is a picture to sum up our relationship:

Some Things I love about Melissa Coffey:

1. The fact that whenever I'm with her...we will end up dying laughing, pseudo beating each other up (okay...her kicking my hiney) and watching Sex and the City all at the same time.

2. She can't cook at all...I had to teach her to boil water.

3. Like myself, she is more likely to cry hearing about a hurt animal than a hurt human. I called her when my dog died and she cried just as hard as I did.

4. She is famous for her NEON wardrobe...but she works at White House/Black Market

5. That every time we have some variety of movie/TV show/book obsession, we try to make the people in our lives into characters.

Examples:

Sex and the City: I am Miranda, Melissa is Carrie

Friends: I am Chandler, Melissa is Rachel

St. Elmo's Fire: I am Kevin, Melissa is Jules

Twilight (we only did Vampire or Werewolf for this one): I am a vampire, Melissa is a werewolf

6. I love that when we play these games, Melissa always ends up as the pretty, awesome girl and I always end up as some awkward guy or a lesbian.

7. When you hang out with her...you will never need a blanket. Her natural body heat is around a million degrees.

8. She has more mo-jo than I do in my little finger.

9. Together, we are the funniest two people that ever lived...at least in our minds we are.

10. I know I can call her day or night and she'll drop whatever she's doing to listen and offer advice.

I love you Melly...I hope this was funny enough for you...I'm sure you'll let me know if it isn't.

Peace, Love and Smelly Coffey,

Claire

To end today...I will leave you with some epic Melissa quotes:

"I know I said that I'm not buying a bed because I'll probably meet someone and get married in the near future...but I'm just trying to justify my air mattress, I'm not saying that with true conviction."

"Claire. Do you think Owen is a Christian?"

"I would definitely give up an ovary before I gave up a toe."

"I'm thinking of finding myself a sugar daddy."

Drama Drama Drama

Although I know you were all excited to read an entire blog post about Laguna Beach and how much I miss the presence of that show in my life...unfortunately, my topic of today is not Laguna Beach itself...but rather the premise of the show. Drama.

Let's be real...I spend my entire day with 14 year olds, who are not famous for their level heads and sincere hearts. With this comes a little bit of dramatic flair. Combine the flair with the fact that it's the day before spring break and you can go ahead and bet, sure as the Pope is Catholic, that it's going to be an interesting day.

Situation 1:

Coming out of the cafeteria, post lunch. Student is walking with slumped shoulders..appears mildly like he's going to cry.

Me: Come here. What's wrong?
Student: Nothing
Me: Clearly, it's not nothing...you look like someone just killed your puppy.
Student: No. Nothing.
Me: Come on...tell me...what happened?
Student: NOTHING!!! NOO ONE CARES!!!
Me: Well...apparently some one cares...I'm sitting here talking to you...tell me specifically what happened?
Student: THEY ALL HATE ME!!!! (Starts crying, sinks down the wall, in an Allie gets dumped by Frank for his ex, last season of the Bachelorette kind of way)
Me: Tell me who hates you and why, so I can take care of this.
Student: THEY THREW PICKLES AT MY FACE!!!!!
Me: Pickles? More than one person threw pickles at your face?
Student: YESSSSS!!!! (We are bawling at this point)
Me: Who threw pickles at your face?
Student: JOHNNYYY!!!
Me: So Johnny threw a pickle at your face? That is why you are laying on the floor having a tantrum?
Student: YESSS!!!

Situation Two:

School Wide Talent Show (Now...if you want my opinion...this is a horrible idea...no one in middle school should EVER...I repeat EVER stand in front of a large group of their peers...too many things can go wrong)

We are on approximately the 3rd act of the afternoon and the gym is heating up nicely...because really, who doesn't want to be in a room full of middle schoolers...most of whom haven't figured out the concept of deodorant yet...with no air circulation whatsoever.

Girl is singing Love Story by Taylor Swift...excellent choice. Note: Girl is singing over the track of Taylor's voice, so basically like a car sing-a-long...but in front of the entire student body.

It appears to be going fine, no one's doing anything particularly awful, aside from the student I had to ask to quit full-body massaging the boy in front of her. All of the sudden, girl starts to look very uncomfortable...she starts twirling her hair, shifting, etc. Then, out of NOWHERE...she throws her microphone to the ground turns, and sprints out of the gym at a speed usually reserved for Olympic athletes or someone being chased by Jason from the Halloween movies. Entire school sits in silence as long as middle schoolers can sit in complete silence, which is approximately half a second...but let me tell you it was a long and uncomfortable half second.

We moved on to the next act, a student solving a rubix cube along to flight of the bumble bee.

On the up side: IT'S SPRING BREAK!!! That said...I probably won't have any good stories for you, since I intend for my week to consist of some serious QT with my boy Owen and my couch.

Peace, Love and Jesse Johnson,

Claire

Some Things to Consider:

1. I definitely got some mail that included a prayer rug and a sealed prophecy...I guess times are tough, but really? A prayer rug with the face of Christ on it with blinking eyes? Asking me to pay for my prayers to be answered? Is anyone really dumb enough to mail that back in?

2. It's April, which means its officially tax month. I wish I could tell you that I got an awesome refund...but unfortunately, my taxes are on hold due to the fact that my father is currently in the process of tiling our laundry room and just obtained an iPad...I just hope he enjoys his iPad, because it could be the reason his daughter gets arrested for tax evasion.