When I decided to try online dating last January, I honestly didn’t think it would end up the way it has ended up. A couple of months off of a relationship that ended because we didn’t have the same end goal or really the same values (red flags, Claire, red flags), I really thought that I could just date a few people, kind of have my pick of the litter, and it would probably end in a long term relationship and that would be that. After all, had I not been through enough already in my love life? Nearing thirty at a frightening speed, I was gaining ground on becoming a very bitter woman by this point. Surely God was just waiting to use this as the vessel in which I would meet my future spouse. Duh. It seemed obvious and almost certain.
Hahahahahahahahaha. That’s what I have to say to myself, sitting here writing this a year and some change later. That is hilarious. I could run the stats with you, but they’re depressing and mildly embarrassing, so I’ll spare you the nitty gritty.
I have never been good at waiting on God’s timing, probably because I’ve never actually done it. I’ve been incredibly blessed my entire life. Almost every major area of my life has gone exactly as I have planned. I have never been made to wait. The irony is incredible. I have always loved the song, “Strength Will Rise.” We used to sing it in chapel at my college all the time.
“Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
We will wait upon the Lord, We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, your reign forever
Our Hope, our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God
You do not faint, you won’t grow weary
You’re the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like Eagles”
I sang it and I loved it, but holy cow, I had and still probably really don’t have any idea of what it means to wait upon the Lord.
I have a family who simultaneously understands and loves each other in this amazing way. I have friends who will drop what they’re doing to hang out with me when I need them or even drive three hours on a Thursday night just to sit on my couch with me because “You needed me.” My career is incredible. This year more than any other, these kids have found a way to make me feel like what I’m doing is important. I live in America. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and clean water to drink. I’ve never been and most likely never will be wrongfully accused of a crime. I can write this article that talks about God and Christ and not be persecuted for it. I AM SO BLESSED.
And yet I am still impatient with God. Beyond impatient, sometimes I am flat out mad at Him.
We like to throw around the word “deserve” a lot. I’ve been really good about diet and exercise this week; I deserve a cookie. I’ve had a tough week; I deserve a manicure. I’ve been told my entire life that I deserve a good husband and growing up, I was told that he would come in a timely manner and we would have great sex (see this for a lengthy discussion on that topic). But did I really earn any of that? In reality, God doesn’t owe me anything. Any of the blessings I have in my life aside, God already gave me the most important gift. I have salvation. I am not going to hell because God sent his son to die for me. That is enough. That will always be enough. If God never places another blessing in my life, it is still enough.
It’s hard to swallow, but it’s the truth. I want to be mad, I want to be impatient and I am almost always both of those things when things don’t work out the way I want them to. There are entire chapters of the Bible where people are crying out to God because they don’t understand. Job was so furious He asked God why he had forsaken him. These moments are okay for a season, but ultimately we have to regain our understanding that God is still God, no matter what is going on. My favorite verse in Psalms says, “For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may remain for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.”
So maybe one day, some man out there will share the same values I do, appreciate the fact that I never turn my brain off and will be accepting of the fact that my car is probably housing a small colony of rodents kept alive by fast food leftovers. Maybe one day I won't be able to write this blog anymore because I'll be too busy with babies. Maybe. And maybe not. If it’s the later, then I will continue to be mad, and I will continue to cry, but hopefully a little less each time I’m met with disappointment.
When all is said and done, He is still God and I am still blessed.
