The Best Friend/Cat Pee Post

Well. My guest co-blogger is asleep on the couch next to me.  She said, "Claire. Let's write a blog, but I have to close my eyes while we do it."

Swell.

Anyway, if you can't tell, I'm spending the weekend in the great city of Indianapolis with my best friend, doing what we do best: laying on the couch, talking to each other in weird accents, watching Sex and the City and making great plans to do stuff, but then being too lazy to actually do them.  We have also spent a considerable amount of time making  videos of ourselves lip syncing to Mariah Carey Christmas songs and leaving them on people's facebook walls.  I know we're supposed to be adults with jobs and junk...but the maturity thing has never really worked out for us.

Ahh. There's my sleeping angel. For the record, she's snoring a little. 

Last night I had a dream Melissa got married and then refused to pay the church to get married there.  Then she put everyone who came to her wedding on a school bus and made the bus follow her around the city (she was running...not driving) while she tried to find a new place to get married.  She ended up deciding on the driveway of a girl that used to live in our dorm in college.  She has always had excellent taste.  I spent the entire dream chasing her...I woke up tired and shockingly...this is not as far from reality as you would hope for the girl.  I could see it happening.  

Also.  A quick Owen update for you.  

He peed on my Kindle.  Apparently he's stressed and is acting out by peeing on things.  So far he's ruined: 

- My Kindle

- My new tote bag

- A book I borrowed from someone

- His basket that he used to sleep in

- Maybe more stuff that I don't know about yet.  

I took him to the vet to get a handle on this situation and make sure his bladder wasn't exploding.  He did not handle himself like a gentleman...that is for sure.  I have never seen a cat get so mad in my life.  We're talking hissing, spitting, screaming...the whole bit...it was not pretty. Fortunately, I got him some kitty prozac that comes in the form of an air freshener you plug in the wall.  We'll see how it works/ if I'll come home tomorrow to a cat pee infested apartment.  It's absolutely disgusting and we are going to have to kick this habit quickly.  

That's all I've got for you today friends.  Have a happy week before Christmas! Good luck in your preparations.  Personally, I have a long way to go...but it will all get finished in the end.  

Peace, Love and Don't change your cat's litter or he will get Madddd, 

Claire

For My Mom

Today is my mom's birthday.  I won't tell you her age because you aren't supposed to do that...although I've never known her to get weird about that stuff. I'll give you a hint: the number is less than the number of elements on the periodic table. (She will appreciate that, very few others will)  Now. This could easily turn into a sappy post about the greatness of my mother.  I would tell you about how wonderful she is for praying for my future husband and sending me encouraging notes with bible verses in them, and really nice cards that detail how wonderful of a daughter I am, but none of that would be true and I wouldn't be writing it...because I wouldn't like my mother.  However, I am going to share with you the reasons I really do love my mom.

1. As a child, my mother (and father for that matter) consistently lied to me.  For example, "Claire, we're going to the lima bean factory for lunch. Is that okay with you?" I hate lima beans.  As a three year old this sent me into a rage the first time it happened.  After that, I got wise to the ways of the world and told her she was full of it.  So all those kids in this video (which I still maintain is the most hilarious Youtube video of all time) clearly did not have parents like mine...because we would have laughed and said "fork it over." What this taught me: Don't trust what people tell you. Figure it out for you yourself when you're pulling up to McDonalds and not the non-existant lima bean factory.

2. My mom has excellent taste in greeting cards.  In college, all my friend's moms would send the standard greeting cards that said daughter on them in script and then proceeded in a poem about how beautiful and smart she was.  My mom sent me a card that had a picture of a bunch of people square dancing screaming profanities (they were bleeped out of course) and underneath it said, "Hey! It's your birthday! Have some fun and Swear Dance!" Bahahahaha.  It was even more hilarious because my college outlawed dancing.  She has a real knack for picking out cards that are borderline really inappropriate, but not quite.  I consider it one of her greatest talents and I think she would too.

3. Recently my mom was talking about one of the great memories we had together.  It was when I skipped school my senior year of high school to go out and eat pie with her.  What other mother do you know that would say one of her favorite memories was when she encouraged you to skip school? Slim to none friends, slim to none.

4. My mother is the single most organized person I've ever met.  Her spices in her spice rack are alphebetized.  She keeps a spread sheet of the stuff she's getting people for Christmas with a different highlighting color for when it's purchased and another color for when it's wrapped.  Sometimes she also keeps a spread sheet to keep score when we play Phase 10.  I should be more like her.

5. I became taller than my mother around 6th grade and I've probably outweighed her since I was in first grade. However, the woman still had the ability to scare the crap out of me long after that, which is awesome. I'll be honest, I still wouldn't cross her. I firmly believe that all children should have a healthy fear of their parents. It makes you too scared to mess up your life too badly. One reason my brother, sister and I have never been caught doing anything horrific that you hear about teenagers and young adults doing is because we're scared of the wrath and fury that can be Martha Pat Kinney. If you've ever met my mother, and you aren't Haley, Ross or myself...you probably don't believe me on this one.

Now I know there are a lot of people out there that may be offended by this next statement, but, you feel the same way about your own mother..so here it is, I'll just throw it out there.

My mom, is most definitely better than your mom. 

Happy Birthday Mom! You're the best mom around, if only for the fact that you know better science jokes than anyone I know.

Love,
Claire

My Students Today

Today my kids had a science project due. 

Apparently I'm a little repetitive because yesterday I had this conversation with my second hour.

Me: "Alright guys, when is your project due?"
Kids: "Tomorrow!"
Me: "And what happens if you don't turn one in?"
Kids: "We fail 8th grade!" (not true...for the record...but an excellent bargaining chip.  I love lying to kids.)
Student: "And you aren't kidding!"

Okay. I guess in hindsight everyday for the last month I've said, "Your science project is due December 14th, if you don't do it, you fail 8th grade and I'm not kidding!"

I'm glad I'm at least leaving an impression somewhere.  Also. In case you were wondering, this technique works.  I only had 3 kids who didn't turn in projects...which compared to the 36 that didn't turn in one last time...I am feeling like a pretty proud teacher.

Also.  I got my second Christmas present of the season from students.  8th graders are not notorious for their gift giving...I mean...they aren't little kids anymore and they have 4 teachers, so usually I don't get much.  However,  today one of my boys presented me a nicely wrapped box.  I open it an there is a nice looking box, I'm thinking candle, metallic apple, some standard teacher present.  False.  Jar of Peanut Butter.  I died laughing.  My kids know that I love peanut butter and eat it pretty much every day for lunch, so he wrapped a jar of peanut butter.  Hahahahha.  This kid is the best.  He even looked at the kind of peanut butter I eat and got me the same kind. 

I love my job almost everyday, but today I love it a whole lot. 

Peace, Love and Jiff,
Claire

10 Fascinating Friday Facts

1. I have had some killer student conversations this week.  Here are a few of them:

"Um. Wait. You mean Indiana isn't in Kentucky?"

"Um. Ms. Kinney, he wants me to ask you if you're wearing pajama jeans."

Girl comes up to me, grinning ear to ear.

Me: You're awfully smiley. What's up?
Girl: Nothing. (continues to just stand in front of me smiling...she literally has me pinned against the wall and just smiles.)
Me: I doubt that. You look like you have the face of a girl who has something good going on with a boy. Spill.
Girl: Well. I have a boyfriend.
Me: Did this just happen between first and second hour?
Girl: Yes.
Me: Congrats. Who is it? Do I know him?
Girl: Yes. He's on our team it's BoyX
Me: Oooh. Well congratulations, but you two seem pretty different...
Girl: Yeah. He's really quiet.  Actually he doesn't talk at all...but I talk a lot so it's okay...actually it's kind of awkward...

2. Well. This happened.  I should be a little ashamed that I have let my nerd status get this far advanced...but...oh well.

Yeah. That's a comic book you see there...that's volume 1...I am currently on volume 3. Yeah. Maybe I asked for comic books for Christmas.

3. I'm pretty sure I've launched too far into nerddom to ever see the light of day again.  A few Friday's ago, I spent the evening watching a documentary about Sabertooth Tigers and learning binary code.  I wish, desperately, that I was kidding.  

4. Last weekend I took my 6th grade academic team to a showcase specially for 6th graders. There were 7 schools there. We won. Boo. Yah. 

5. A kid at the academic team competition told me I didn't look like I should be reading comic books. I told him I liked to defy expectation.  He asked me what that meant...

6. I think I am the Bobby Knight of academic coaching.  I just get really intense and sometimes feel the need to throw chairs.  I try to tone it down for the kids, but inwardly I'm going nuts.  

7. I redeveloped a nice little illness this week.  Hello, sinus/ear infection, nice to see you.  I felt like death.  My students told me I looked pale, (which to a group of people who are constantly tan via tanning bed/spray tan, is a real insult) we all had fun.  On the upside I saw my real life doctor who never once asked me if I was possibly pregnant like this guy. 

8. Do you know the Chemistry Cat? If not. You should here's why: 

BAHHAHAHAHAHA! If you don't get it...consult your periodic table. 

9. I'm thinking of taking this blog public.  AKA. Getting my own .com.  Too soon? Too arrogant? Time will tell my friends, time will tell. At some point your have to get drastic in your quest for blog fame. 

10. My mom and I went to a basketball game tonight. The weird man sitting next to her spent the entire games showing her pictures on his phone of his friends and telling her bizarre stories about how he got his hat from a golf caddie.  The woman in front of us was so into the game she refused to sit down the entire game and was going nuts with the cheering...and then she left with 2 minutes to go. I also spent a lot of time gazing into the abyss that was the man in front of me's butt crack as he stood up and sat down about 89 times, mostly to pass his kid back and forth. There are some days I wonder why half the world is Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs. 

Peace, Love and a Happy Weekend, 

Claire

A Conversation With My Sister

There are a lot of reasons I love my sister.  However, this conversation may be the kicker.

Haley: You know what I think is really weird? When people give their unborn babies nicknames, like bump or peanut.  You know what I think is even weirder? When people make shirts that point to their belly with that name on it. Or when people compare them to fruit. 

Me: I agree. 

Haley: I mean, why not just call the baby what it is? Fetus.  Or in the earlier stages, blastula.  You could even call it blasty for short.  Cute right?

Me: Or you could just go with wad of cells.

Haley: Perfect.  If you ever get pregnant I'm making you a shirt with arrows pointing that says "wad of cells."

Me: Knowing you you'll make mine on a wife beater with sharpies instead of a cute colored t-shirt with puff paint.

Haley: No I wouldn't, I'd make it cute. In fact, I really want to do that...you have to get pregnant. 

Me: No, you get pregnant so I can make the shirt.

Haley: No.  I've never understood why people do that anyway, babies are a pill.

Me: Agreed.

Mom, nice work raising two career and education focused girls... but it may be a while on the grandchildren.

I Might Be a Felon...

Well.  It's been an eventful night around these parts, and I probably shouldn't be blogging about these events quite yet, but it's too hilarious not to.  I am quite pleased with myself, although I probably won't be when I get arrested.

Here's what went down.

My dear friend Kathy and I decided that we needed to partake in some tacos and queso at a fabulous restaurant that happens to be located on the University of Kentucky's campus.  We forgot that there was a basketball game (for which most of the city actually shuts down)  and that subsequently parking would be a nightmare as would driving or walking or any form of transportation that doesn't involve moving at a snail's pace in a sea of blue and white.

So. I did it.  I pulled an illegal and parked in a student parking lot so that I could get some tacos, all the while, thinking to myself, "eh. It's after 7, they won't be checking the lots for permits." Kathy even rings in with, "Yeah, I've parked here a hundred times and never gotten a ticket." Excellent. Taco time.

After some delightful tacos, which seriously people, if you are ever around a Local Taco...you for real need to try them, we head back to the car where I am hit with this burst of Christmas joy:

That's right. $25 made payable to the University of Kentucky parking people (not really the people part, but I actually did not read it closely enough to see who to make the check out to).  

Well, you're talking to the girl who has a $23 library fine currently and rather than pay it, chooses not to check out books.  I'm pretty sure I also have a similar situation at the Gas City public library in Indiana, but since I never plan to check out books again from there...I consider it a moot point.  Basically, there wasn't an ice cube's chance in my grandma's thanksgiving ready oven of me paying that ticket.  Also. I googled it, they can't do anything to you until you have at least 6 unpaid tickets and then they will tow your car and since I'm not a student at UK they can't threaten me with held transcripts or not graduating or my first born or anything along those lines.  I planned to throw it away. Until this happened:

Remember that UK game I mentioned? Well, I happen to live within prime walking distance of Rupp Arena where they play and if I don't hunker down in my parking spot behind my apartment, butt heads like these losers will take my spot and force me to find street parking and semi risk my life walking back to my apartment in ball game traffic.  Needless to say I was a little peeved.  I considered having them towed, but really the game was almost over and they would be gone by the time the tow truck got here.  So instead, I did this: 

I figure the worst thing that could happen is that UK actually gets their 25 bucks if these people are stupid enough to realize they aren't in the car described on the ticket. Which they could be, considering they were stupid enough to park in a private residential lot.  

All in a day's work my friends, all in a day's work.  

Now. Be a doll and don't rat me out.  

Peace, Love and Delinquency, 

Claire