Haven't You Always Wanted an Airbrushed T-Shirt?

Well friends.

Can we talk about airbrushed t-shirts for a minute? First of all...why are that many bright colors necessary on one article of clothing? Some have accused me of wearing boring colors...and their accusation would probably be correct since the largest section of my color coded closet is the gray section, followed closely by the black section.  But. Really? You REALLY need to spray all those obnoxious colors on one shirt to say something even more ridiculous than the colors on the shirt.  I feel about airbrushed t-shirts the way I feel about Joan Rivers...they are tacky and unnecessary.

What spawned this rant you may wonder? The t-shirts of my darling students.  Now, I expect to see the normal ones.  Spring Break 2011- Gatlinburg (haha...you thought it was going to say like Panama City or Daytona...FALSE). Sarah and Rachel BFFL. Have a picture of a palm tree or a dolphin...whatever.  BUT. Today's airbrushed t-shirt takes the cake.  It reads, Billy+Amy.  That's it.  It's like they couldn't express their love for one another enough through their incessant PDA and the notes they leave each other all over their notebooks.  NO. They HAD to put it on a t-shirt and as if THAT wasn't enough...they HAD to airbrush it.  I mean...they paid money for these bad boys.  MONEY.  I was flabbergasted.

Peace, Love and What a way to make a living,
Claire

Some Things to Consider:
- Owen is officially becoming clawless on Thursday. Keep him in your prayers. I'm nervous.
- Update on Thorn Birds: 2/3 finished.  Priest has officially defiled his priest vows.  Things are getting interesting.

If you don't have an iPhone...well...you don't have an iPhone

Really my post is going to be about iPads...however, I just wanted to bring this BRILLIANT advertising slogan to everyone's attention.  Really, how much more creative can you get apple? Hope you didn't pay someone too much for that one...

Anyway. I just wanted to rehash a brief conversation I had with my dad earlier.

Premise: My dad and I go to a funeral visitation for my great uncle.  My dad is from a MASSIVE family, so there are about 8 million people there that I recognize, but cannot place as far as their relationship and whose son/daughter/granddaughter/grandson etc they are.  Once we got in the car to leave, the following conversation took place.

Me: Dad, you're going to have to explain who all these people belong to and how they're related.
Dad: I have an app for that.

And he did.  He whips out his handy dandy iPad and two seconds later I was cruising my family tree, finding out everything I ever wanted to know about my lineage.  Aren't dads great? I know mine is.

Peace, Love and Genealogy,
Claire

Some Things to Consider:

- Yesterday a student told me he drank kerosene when he was 5 and sometimes he still tastes it when he burps.  What the crap.

- I am currently so enthralled with a book right now that I'm having a hard time even writing this blog.  All I want to do is read about my Australian priest who's about to break his bonds of celibacy for a girl 18 years younger than him.  Darn you The Thorn Birds.  Such a great book.

Keeping up Appearances

In teaching 8th grade, an age group where you are totally obsessed with appearance and apparel, there is a lot of judgement that happens concerning my appearance every day.  It's fine...I don't mind, in some ways it's nice because someone really does appreciate it if I'm looking nice one day...but on the flip side...they also definitely notice and definitely comment if I'm looking a little rough.  Some stories to the liking:

1. Sometimes my fellow teachers and I like to peruse the facebooks of our students.  Unfortunately, at this point, they've pretty much figured this out and made their profiles really private.  However, one girl failed to make her mobile uploads private and I was cruising through her pics one afternoon when I discovered a picture of another one of my students, standing in the Gap, holding a skirt I had worn a few weeks before with the caption, "MISS KINNEY'S SKIRT." Now.  I don't know what this means. Do they like my skirt? Do they hate my skirt? Either way, it became very apparent to me that they notice my clothing.

2.  As I'm about to get run into by a student flying down the hallway...
Student: "HEY! Don't run into Ms. Kinney!! Her hair actually looks nice today!"

3. Recently I cut my hair a lot shorter...little did I know the stir this was going to cause in the 8th grade...most were nice and complimentary...however one student made the following comment:
"Ms. Kinney! What the heck did you do to your hair!?" - Wow..Thanks.

Although, I probably deserve this, since my mom tells me that every day when I came home from Kindergarten, instead of telling my mom about all the great things I did that day, I told her what my teacher was wearing and how her hair looked.  What goes around comes around...

Peace, Love and a Yellow Gap Skirt,
Claire

Some Things to Consider:
- There is a race track in town called The Red Mile...in an epic move, someone painted over the bottom line of the E, so it now reads THE RED MILF.  Genius.

- My tax return is now in the works...and congratulations to me...I now have enough money to get my cat declawed. Cha Ching...no more scratching the underside of my coffee table, as Owen so weirdly likes to do.

- I briefly considered changing the name of my blog to Confessions of a crazy cat lady.  Thoughts?

Melissa: A Tribute

Well blog world. If you'll notice, I've made a few changes around these parts. It was time. Besides, if I want to be blog famous...I'm going to have to step up my game. Hope you enjoy.

I decided it was time to post again, but I am lacking for new material...my students are being hyper dramatic, so they're not funny right now, just obnoxious...so I don't want to bore you with their stories. I also haven't really experienced any regular crazy either...SO upon her request, I have decided to pay tribute to one of my best friends Melissa. Here is a picture to sum up our relationship:

Some Things I love about Melissa Coffey:

1. The fact that whenever I'm with her...we will end up dying laughing, pseudo beating each other up (okay...her kicking my hiney) and watching Sex and the City all at the same time.

2. She can't cook at all...I had to teach her to boil water.

3. Like myself, she is more likely to cry hearing about a hurt animal than a hurt human. I called her when my dog died and she cried just as hard as I did.

4. She is famous for her NEON wardrobe...but she works at White House/Black Market

5. That every time we have some variety of movie/TV show/book obsession, we try to make the people in our lives into characters.

Examples:

Sex and the City: I am Miranda, Melissa is Carrie

Friends: I am Chandler, Melissa is Rachel

St. Elmo's Fire: I am Kevin, Melissa is Jules

Twilight (we only did Vampire or Werewolf for this one): I am a vampire, Melissa is a werewolf

6. I love that when we play these games, Melissa always ends up as the pretty, awesome girl and I always end up as some awkward guy or a lesbian.

7. When you hang out with her...you will never need a blanket. Her natural body heat is around a million degrees.

8. She has more mo-jo than I do in my little finger.

9. Together, we are the funniest two people that ever lived...at least in our minds we are.

10. I know I can call her day or night and she'll drop whatever she's doing to listen and offer advice.

I love you Melly...I hope this was funny enough for you...I'm sure you'll let me know if it isn't.

Peace, Love and Smelly Coffey,

Claire

To end today...I will leave you with some epic Melissa quotes:

"I know I said that I'm not buying a bed because I'll probably meet someone and get married in the near future...but I'm just trying to justify my air mattress, I'm not saying that with true conviction."

"Claire. Do you think Owen is a Christian?"

"I would definitely give up an ovary before I gave up a toe."

"I'm thinking of finding myself a sugar daddy."

Drama Drama Drama

Although I know you were all excited to read an entire blog post about Laguna Beach and how much I miss the presence of that show in my life...unfortunately, my topic of today is not Laguna Beach itself...but rather the premise of the show. Drama.

Let's be real...I spend my entire day with 14 year olds, who are not famous for their level heads and sincere hearts. With this comes a little bit of dramatic flair. Combine the flair with the fact that it's the day before spring break and you can go ahead and bet, sure as the Pope is Catholic, that it's going to be an interesting day.

Situation 1:

Coming out of the cafeteria, post lunch. Student is walking with slumped shoulders..appears mildly like he's going to cry.

Me: Come here. What's wrong?
Student: Nothing
Me: Clearly, it's not nothing...you look like someone just killed your puppy.
Student: No. Nothing.
Me: Come on...tell me...what happened?
Student: NOTHING!!! NOO ONE CARES!!!
Me: Well...apparently some one cares...I'm sitting here talking to you...tell me specifically what happened?
Student: THEY ALL HATE ME!!!! (Starts crying, sinks down the wall, in an Allie gets dumped by Frank for his ex, last season of the Bachelorette kind of way)
Me: Tell me who hates you and why, so I can take care of this.
Student: THEY THREW PICKLES AT MY FACE!!!!!
Me: Pickles? More than one person threw pickles at your face?
Student: YESSSSS!!!! (We are bawling at this point)
Me: Who threw pickles at your face?
Student: JOHNNYYY!!!
Me: So Johnny threw a pickle at your face? That is why you are laying on the floor having a tantrum?
Student: YESSS!!!

Situation Two:

School Wide Talent Show (Now...if you want my opinion...this is a horrible idea...no one in middle school should EVER...I repeat EVER stand in front of a large group of their peers...too many things can go wrong)

We are on approximately the 3rd act of the afternoon and the gym is heating up nicely...because really, who doesn't want to be in a room full of middle schoolers...most of whom haven't figured out the concept of deodorant yet...with no air circulation whatsoever.

Girl is singing Love Story by Taylor Swift...excellent choice. Note: Girl is singing over the track of Taylor's voice, so basically like a car sing-a-long...but in front of the entire student body.

It appears to be going fine, no one's doing anything particularly awful, aside from the student I had to ask to quit full-body massaging the boy in front of her. All of the sudden, girl starts to look very uncomfortable...she starts twirling her hair, shifting, etc. Then, out of NOWHERE...she throws her microphone to the ground turns, and sprints out of the gym at a speed usually reserved for Olympic athletes or someone being chased by Jason from the Halloween movies. Entire school sits in silence as long as middle schoolers can sit in complete silence, which is approximately half a second...but let me tell you it was a long and uncomfortable half second.

We moved on to the next act, a student solving a rubix cube along to flight of the bumble bee.

On the up side: IT'S SPRING BREAK!!! That said...I probably won't have any good stories for you, since I intend for my week to consist of some serious QT with my boy Owen and my couch.

Peace, Love and Jesse Johnson,

Claire

Some Things to Consider:

1. I definitely got some mail that included a prayer rug and a sealed prophecy...I guess times are tough, but really? A prayer rug with the face of Christ on it with blinking eyes? Asking me to pay for my prayers to be answered? Is anyone really dumb enough to mail that back in?

2. It's April, which means its officially tax month. I wish I could tell you that I got an awesome refund...but unfortunately, my taxes are on hold due to the fact that my father is currently in the process of tiling our laundry room and just obtained an iPad...I just hope he enjoys his iPad, because it could be the reason his daughter gets arrested for tax evasion.

Good Foods Co-op

Well Friends. It has been a while. I know you've missed me...because I've missed you.

Recently, I took a trip down the Nashville way to visit some dear friends of mine. Lauren and Alex. Now. Lauren and Alex could possibly be the two healthiest people alive...next to maybe like Lance Armstrong or someone...they eat healthily and organically...they run a lot...you get the picture. So. After they served me a black bean burger with mango salsa and green beans marinated in balsamic vinegar and mustard...I started to feel a little crappy about my normal eating habits....ya know...the ones that involve a kit from El Paso and frozen chicken from Aldi. I've been meaning to at least convert to organic dairy for a while now...not wanting to pump myself full of hormones and antibiotics and other scary things...so I took a little tour to the good foods co-op...our local organic food source.

Well. I fit in at the Good Foods Co-op about like Ghandi fits in with the cast of Jersey Shore.

If you know me...you know that my second soul is in the form of a bright blue car that has a striking resemblance to a sea creature with a blow hole. You also know that I have a bumper sticker on the back that proclaims my love for Sarah Palin. So we can just look at my car amongst the Subaru outbacks and Volkswagons that hail the name of our beloved president and their love for the democratic party...and we can know that this situation is going to be a good one.

Also. I chose today to wear stilettos and a black skirt with a bright blue shirt. People who shop at good foods really prefer their muted colors and birkenstocks.

Now let me post a disclaimer here...as I am sounding a little stereotypical...but I swear...these are all direct observations.

All that to say...after my little jaunt through granola town...and the acquisition of some amazing milk (pumped fresh from the cow over in Russell Springs...which I saw on LEX 18 News at Sunrise when Lee Cruise visited...thus making me positive that it's good stuff..that along with the Bible verse on the GLASS bottle...that's right...GLASS...crazy...I know....) has made me miss Wal-Mart a little...I mean...no one got in a fight over the U-Scan at good foods...in fact there wasn't a U-Scan...I was checked out by some musician named Mucharan who was wearing horn rimmed glasses and talked incessantly about his band. No one was making out in the meat section either....probably because there isn't much of a meat section do to the vegetarian/vegan nature of many of these people.

Well Wal-Mart...good foods was a good time...and I will go back...so I can get awesome milk...but I will return to my roots soon.

Peace, Love and....well...that might be all we need today...

Claire

Some Things To Consider:

1. Today one of my students was "crying" like a maniac...over reasons I don't 'know...probably a boy or something equally unimpressive. She really was putting on a good show...people were comforting her and stroking her hair...the whole bit...until I realized...girlfriend was FAKING. Come on sister...I made up the fake cry....don't try to pull that one on me...

2. As my dear friend Kathy and I were driving from Nashville...we got behind a motorcycle gang...awesome...they had matching jackets...but as we observed closer...we realized that in front of us was a motorcycle couple...the man was groping the woman...on the highway...in the middle of the morning. Just straight up copping a feel. Talk about multi-tasking.

No Day But Today....

Now granted...my title is a quote from Rent...and I just got back from seeing Les Mis...and in musical world...I can't think of two more opposing compositions...regardless...it was DEFINITELY an interesting day.

Why you may ask?

Well friends, I am no longer a robbery virgin. The thieves (or thief...but it my head there are two of them) came in the night...but they DEFINITELY did not come like Jesus did to save the world...instead they came to take my car and generally wreak havoc on the already pretty bleak situation that is The Whale (aka my bright blue, Suzuki Aerio with numerous bumper stickers).

Let me walk you through this process:

1. Get in car. Sit down. Look to my right...think, "dang...that's a lot messier than I thought I left that...and sheesh...I haven't seen that old wallet in years."
2. Think to myself, "Wait...how did that get there?"
3. Swear
4. Notice faceplate of stereo on my seat...try to put it back on my stereo...no dice. the latch is broken (come on guys...there's an eject button for those things...)
5. Swear and check the backseat to see if intruders are still there.
6. Leave for School...because afterall...I still have to get there...
7. Call my mom
8. Talk about how I don't think anything is gone except my broken stereo...my mom responds..."they were probably looking for electronics."
9. I look down...GPS is M.I.A.
10. Grunt in frustration
11. Hang up with mother...drive in silence because of broken stereo situation...
12. Get to school...try to get my act together...notice my missing coin jar.
13.Think about the fact that I'm sad to have had all my souvenir Belize and Guatemala money stolen.
14. Think harder and picture the intruders trying to give Quetzal and Belize dollars to drug dealers.
15. Laugh. Hard.
16. Look down in my seat and realize they left me a present, that is currently residing under my rear end...wire cutters. Thanks Guys! I've always wanted a pair!!


It's all good though because I told my students about this situation...they offered to form a gang to go after them...they said they would ride into Lexington on their cows....that'll show em'!

Here's hoping they were stealing to feed their starving families (It's possible...Jean val Jean did it in Les Mis).

Peace, Love and Wire Cutters,
Claire

Some Things to Consider:

1. If I were going to rob a car...it definitely wouldn't be mine...those boys (look at me making gender stereotypes...sorry...or girls) had to dig through some MAJOR crud to get to the GPS, including but not limited to Socks, feminine products, about a billion fast food wrappers, some toiletries and the normal snow care junk)...they definitely had a rough path in front of them.

2. Les Mis was probably the best $25 dollars I have ever spent. Seriously. WOW.