True Love Waits?

As I’m looking through Facebook, sitting here in my bed alone, single and 26 years old, I come across some pictures of some variety of purity ceremony.  It featured a gaggle of girls wearing pastel dresses, sipping tea in a mansion and all receiving a rose, of which I am sure some variety of metaphor was made about how we are all delicate female flowers or something.  Maybe later that day, their dad’s gave them all rings that said “true love waits.”  I am sure they all also pledged their purity and talked about how they would wait for their husbands, because we wouldn’t want our husbands to have damaged goods when he married us.

Or…Maybe this isn’t the case and I am making gross stereotypes, but if it was anything like the stuff I listened to growing up, I hit the nail on the head.  There is nothing innately wrong with any of this, but let’s be honest…for anyone past the age of 21, the true love waits speech we heard (and heard and heard) in middle and high school isn’t exactly cutting the mustard anymore and I'm not really sure it did before that point either.

Remain pure until you are married.  Okay. Good.  I can do that. My word, I hope I can do that, I mean, my salvation depends on it after all doesn’t it?!  This is the only mandate God ever made! Pure. Pure. Pure!!  Done. Good. Consider my legs crossed. 

Fast forward four years and you’re in the basement alone with your boyfriend.  You’re “watching a movie” which is also known as making out passionately and you’re rounding the proverbial bases at frightening speeds.  It may be in this very moment, when it occurs to you to ask the question, “what does being pure mean, anyway?” At this point, your boyfriends hands are making his way up your shirt, and OH MY GOSH it feels so good, so how am I possibly supposed to stop him, even though there’s this nagging voice in the back of my mind screaming PURITY at me!?  At this point, it is impossible.  IMPOSSIBLE.  It doesn’t matter if you are the Virgin Mary herself, six months pregnant with Jesus. If you have the sex drive of a sugar snap pea, you aren’t stopping him.  You just aren’t. 

It’s not until you are at home that night, probably starting to feel a little guilty, that you start to wonder what exactly they meant by purity all those times they talked about it at church because if we are being honest…no one ever defined it.  They just told us to be pure, which you probably, as I did, took to mean don’t have sex.  Okay…but guys…there are a lot A LOT of things you can do between a peck on the lips and full-blown penetrative sex. I guess that just wasn’t ever covered? Or did I just miss that Sunday? (Doubtful...I did not miss church). 

I remember attending a seminar at some point in high school, where a woman (wearing a white dress…how subtle of her) told us that she viewed all girls as wrapped gifts to be presented to their husbands.  Every time we sinned sexually (keep in mind, this term “sexual sin” was never defined), a piece of our wrapping paper was torn, or the tape was peeled up and this was a tragedy because, “think of how sad your husband will be, to receive an opened gift.” Thinking back on it, I wish I had run up on that stage and punched that woman in the face.  Okay, maybe not.  I’m sure she had wonderful intentions.  BUT.  GIRLS.  You are not, nor will you ever be an opened and torn up gift! You may sin sexually, whatever that may mean, but you are NOT a torn up gift and you are NOT, let me repeat myself, NOT unworthy of ANY man because of your sexual past and you should NEVER let someone tell you that you are.  At the end of the day, we are ALL (male and female) sinners and not one of us is worthy of the grace we are given through Jesus Christ. 

As a singleton, who has spent four years living on my own, dating a few men and having “adult relationships,” (I use that term VERY loosely) I can tell you that the church did not prepare me for this phase of my life in more ways than one, but specifically in the area of “sexual purity.”  They work on the assumption that everyone is getting married, and more specifically, they work under the assumption that everyone is getting married pretty young, specifically if you are a girl.  This is, of course, grossly inaccurate. 

As Christian females, there is the constant notion that we must be pleasing to the men in our lives.  We must be good girls, good daughters and ultimately good wives.  Where does it leave you when you are no longer living with your parents, you are a full-blown adult and have no one to please?  Lost.  That’s where that leaves you.  Confused, and mad and lost.  At this point, you have spent your entire life living up to the standard of you father, or working toward getting a guy to like enough to marry you, so you can be his “perfect gift.” When that doesn’t exist anymore it leaves you totally and utterly wayward because you’ve always had the notion that you would leave your father and fill the role (in a non-creepy way) with your husband because that is what you’ve been taught.  I can tell you that when that doesn’t happen in a timely (or what you deem to be timely) manner, it can leave you very forlorn and whats more, VERY bitter. 

Girls.  It is time that we stop placing our worth and our importance in men.  We struggle with this because the Bible calls for men to lead women, both in the church and in the home and that is fine and good. However, in reality, there is a very real possibility that one day, you will find yourself no longer under the leadership of any human man.  At this point you cannot depend on men to lead; instead you are going to have to start depending on God to lead you and you are going to have to take responsibility for your relationship with Jesus Christ. 

BUT this is not an easy task! Why? Because at this point, we are mad!  We are mad we're 26-year old-virgins, we are tired of being made a spectacle of at the doctors office when you get a PAP smear (“What form of contraception do you use?” “Um. Abstinence?” “WHAT??!! WOOWWW!!! REALLY???”) and we want to have sex.  BADLY.  And heaven knows every opportunity you never had in high school is there.  You don’t have to make out in the back seat of your car…you can do it right there on your couch, or even in your bed, because there is no one there to stop you. You will probably mess up and you will probably mess up a lot, because waiting is HARD!  BUT GIRLS! LISTEN TO ME! Your worth is not found here! Your worth is not in your virginity, or lack of virginity.  Your worth is in Christ. Period.

Do not read my words incorrectly.  I am not telling you to go have sex: vaginal, oral or manual. Heck, I am not even telling you it is okay to participate in “heavy petting,” as my grandmother once called it.  The reality of the situation is that the Bible doesn’t give us specific guidelines as to what is and is not acceptable.  It simply says to abstain from sexual immorality and that there should be one husband for every wife.  The very real and sometimes hard to swallow truth is that the Bible doesn’t have a lot of guidelines specific to 26-year-old single Christian girls.  However, it does have a lot to say to Christians: married, single, divorced, widowed, whatever.  Things like “Go therefore and make disciples of every nation, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” (Matthew 28:19).  Crazy how that verse, widely deemed to be one of the most foundational in the New Testament, never once mentions sex. Ladies, your worth is not found in your ability to abstain from sex until marriage, just like it is not found in the amount of money you give, or the works that you do.  Your worth is found in Christ.  It always has and it always will, whether or not your prince charming comes along.

On Losing My Wisdom

I recognize this has been a long hiatus.  Graduate school will do that to one's free time for writing fun things.  

I have always had what I consider to be practical teeth.  I know they aren't the kind of teeth that will win me Miss America (this was the first indicator to me at the age of 12 that I would never be Miss America.  Not the swimsuit competition and their stick thin frames, or their hair that quadrupled my amount of hair... it was their gummy smiles and large teeth.  Whatever.  As long as I knew that wasn't a reality and decided a college education would be necessary in my life).  They aren't particularly cavity prone and although my dental hygienist once described them as having "a certain roughness" about them, we have generally been on good terms.  I never had to have braces, I've never had a tooth pulled, nothing.  Until Friday.

I'm going to be honest.  I am ticked off at evolution on this one.  FOR THE LOVE.  Obviously humans don't need these things anymore, and I'm sure one day they will stop existing.  I have friends who had no wisdom teeth, or only half of their wisdom teeth (as in two, not halves of each of the four, that would be gross) and I find it ridiculous that I have all four and all in compromising positions.  EVOLUTION. What the heck?? I have defended you to my people all this time...and THIS IS WHAT YOU LEAVE ME WITH?  We are on rocky terms my darwinian friend. Rocky, rocky terms.  

Regardless, on Friday, I will forgo my usual schedule of yelling at seventh graders to stop touching each other, starve and dehydrate myself for 8 hours, fall into a deep sleep and wake up in what I am told is agonizing pain and misery.  And cheeks that are reminiscent of Alvin and the gang, this is an important one not to forget.  

I will be honest, I am not afraid of my teeth hurting.  I consider myself pretty tough in these regards (my mother would probably tell you otherwise).  Mostly I am concerned about the anesthesia talk I am going to regale my father with on the way home.  Not that I have anything to hide, but what if I start talking about something weird, or pull a David after dentist.  My students have requested a video.  I have politely refused.  (Polite? Who am I kidding.  There is no polite with middle schoolers, it doesn't exist).  My other concern is the theory I developed at 14 when I decided that probably everyone was alert during surgery, but they just don't remember it when they wake up.  

Ah well, I probably should have had them taken out when I was 18 like a normal person, but no.  I had to wait until I was 25 and "have tingling in my jaw and mouth for up to 8 weeks" according to my chipper optimistic oral surgeon, because "since you are an adult, your roots have fully formed." Oh good.  

This should be fun.  

Goodbye to a Good Friend

Hey friends! It has been forever.  Again, I know.  Sorry.  I swear, it's just because my kids this year just aren't as funny as before and I don't want to bore you.

However, I have had a major life change and I thought you all should know about it...

Part of my identity has been ripped away in the form of a certain bright blue eyesore who didn't so much like moving down the road anymore.

It's true.  I traded in The Whale/The Bubble/The Barbie Car/The whateverothernicknameyoucalledit and got a new car,  which has all the nice things that I'm not used to...like a radio.  (see here)

I won't lie to you, it was a very emotional experience.  I might have shed a tear.  When I step back to think about it, that car has seen me through a lot! I've driven it since I was a senior in high school.  It has seen 4 different boyfriends.  It has also seen 4 different boyfriends who all hated it with equal gusto, not to mention every other male who ever saw it.    It was not a very manly car.  It was the taxi for all my friends in high school and college because somehow I always ended up driving.  It saw me through some great times, and it saw me through some really sad times.  It also saw me through some really mad times when she wasn't behaving like she should.

She drove me to my first day of my senior year of high school, my first day of college, my first job real job interview and the first day of my teaching career. She watched me cry all the way home from my college graduation. She got me home safely when I had to drive home suddenly from Michigan because my grandmother had passed away.

I ran her into a bush, smacked her into a brick wall and parked her so badly that people have commented on more than one occasion.  But she didn't care, she wasn't a judger.

So here's to you UK blue 2003 Suzuki Aerio.  I consider you the essence of my adolescence and your trade in (and let's be honest...they gave me WAY more money than they should have for you) marks it's end and my retreat into the land of an old lady who owns a cat.  You were the best.  I will not soon forget our time together.

The Musician Post

So, in addition to teaching science, I have been commissioned to teach a Piano class this year as a part of a heyletsexpandourartsprogramsoourstatescoresarebetter initiative.  Cool.  I'm game. It's a ton of fun.  I may have arranged Call Me Maybe for 13 keyboards.  I may also call it my opus.  It's whatever, but you should probably be impressed.

However, every twelve weeks, I start over with a new group of kids.  So this trimester as a way of getting to know the kids and getting a grasp on what they know musically and what they don't, I gave them a little questionnaire to fill out.  Here is one response.

Do you, or have you ever, played a musical instrument?
Yes. In fifth grade I played cassettes.

If I recall correctly from my experience with the Macarena on tape, it is pretty difficult to get those bad boys to play the song you want, especially if it's in the middle of the tape. You can't rewind or fast forward too far or you will miss part of your song, and if that song is the macarena, it could totally throw off your entire routine, you might be facing the total wrong direction on the hahhhiitttee .  She's a real musician.    

The Nerdy Kid Post

So I didn't fully embrace my full nerdom until well into college.  I always figured I was a little out there, but I mostly kept it under wraps.  Did I love LOVE all the comic book movies that came out when i was in high school? Yes.  But the fact that I dreamed about having their powers, I kept to myself.  Was I in marching band? Well, Yes. But to this day, I SWEAR it was a cool thing to do at my high school.  Did I always have a maybe slightly unhealthy obsession with Jeopardy. Yeah, okay.  But again, under wraps.

So I guess for most of my life, I could be referred to as a closeted nerd.

However, now the cat is out of the bag and I live my life in full Jeopardy watching, comic book reading, documentary viewing, Settlers of Catan loving, I almost bought a periodic table shower curtain, science teacher, holynerdwad glory.  For the love, at this very moment I am wearing a t-shirt that says I heart science.  Except there's a real heart there that's in the shape of an atom.  True Story.

Anyway, it is because of this that the real nerdy kids tend to be my posse.  Every teacher has a niche of kids that they really like.  Some teachers really like athletes and others are good with girls.  I however have found my niche among the very nerdy boys.  The ones who typically have B.O. and really don't talk about anything but video games and typically wear really funny shirts that have very advanced humor on them (or say Bazinga).  That's my crew.  I mean, seriously, I'm the academic team coach, it was bound to happen.

So I have this student who is obsessed with riddles.  He literally tells me a riddle every day before class starts.  I never get them right and always have to give up, but it's a good time.  He must seriously spend his life reading riddles, because he can just spew a riddle any time, any where, for any given amount of time.

Yesterday we were driving back from an academic match and it is late.  I'm tired, the kids are tired, but they are keeping themselves entertained.  The Riddler is coming off a second place Math finish (actually, he was pretty furious about that, he is only okay with first place, he was okay after we talked about how second place is good) at the match AND a free medium fry at McDonalds, so suffice to say his spirits were high.  So he's throwing riddles out like his life depends on it.  Then I hear this conversation go down.

Riddler: Hey guys, I got one.  It's more of a joke, but it's pretty good.
Kids: Okay, sure.
Riddler: What do the Cleveland Browns do when they score a touchdown?
Kids: Ummm... We don't know.
Riddler: They turn off the XBox and go to bed.

I die laughing.  This is a funny joke.  Good one, Riddler.  Then I hear this.

Riddler: And guys! The great thing about that joke?
Kids: What?
Riddler: I hate sports, but everyone else thinks it's funny and you can cater it to the audience based on your region!

I about peed my pants.  What 14 year old thinks of these things?

The Bad Geography Post

Maybe I take for granted the fact that all my sister wanted for her sixth birthday was a globe and we played with it non-stop as kids, but seriously, the geography of today's youth is astounding. 

Today we were giving presentations and this occurred: 

Student: Karl Landsomething...wait, how do you say his name? 

Me: Karl Landsteiner. 

Student: Yeah. Him. Anyway, Karl was from Virginia, Australia. 

Me: Um. Wait a second, I highly doubt that. 

Student: Yeah. That's what it says. 

Me: Try Vienna, Austria. 

Student: What? Where the heck is that? 

Me: It's in Europe

Other Student: Wait. I thought Australia was in a different state than Europe. 

Me: What? Europe is not a state! 

Other Student: What? Yes it is. 

Me: Negative, it's a continent. Those are two different places.  There is the country of Austria and the continent/country of Australia.  Vienna is in Austria. It's close to Germany. 

All Students: WHAT?? No. Those are the same. 

Oh well. You win some, you lose some. 

The Illunderstood Ring Post

I'm finally getting to a point where my students are fun to talk to.  I like to know about their lives and hear their funny comments. It's really why I'm a teacher.  Oh. And that part about inspiring young minds and molding the future generations.  That too.

Background Information: I recently started wearing a ring of my Grandmothers on my right hand.  It is silver and small and involves no diamonds.

So today we have a conversation that goes like this: 

Student 1: Um. Ms. Kinney.  Have you ever had a boyfriend? 

Me: I'm 25 years old.  Logic would dictate that yes, I have had a boyfriend. (Wrong answer.  I forgot about my relationship with my science book...I wasn't thinking on my feet. Teacher fail.) 

Student 1: Then why aren't you married? 

Me: Well, As you will find out in the future, not all boyfriends are worth marrying.  

Student 1: Oh. Well. Everyone's saying you're engaged, so I was just wondering. 

Me: WHAT?? Who said that? Why would they think that? 

Student 2: Yeah. That was me.  I just noticed you got a new ring, so I assumed it was an engagement ring.  

Me: No.  A flat ring on your right hand is NOT an engagement ring.  

I had a similar conversation with two other classes.  Apparently I have been one hot topic of conversation among the 13-14 crowd in Bourbon County.  I like.